im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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