Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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