You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
