I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
