can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
