I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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