I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
