Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So vagazzling was a success
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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