was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
