I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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