I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
