Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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