Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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