i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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