i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
