my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
