based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
