she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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