you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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