so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
