from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
even my farts smell like vagina
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Randomize
