well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
