you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
