every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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