Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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