just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
