advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Semen is not good for contacts.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
