i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
