In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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