Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
