he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My penis needs a shock collar
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
