I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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