So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
