I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I booty called her while she was in labor.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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