nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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