It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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