.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
