Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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