i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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