You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
