Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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