my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
