Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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