Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
