the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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