I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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