currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
