things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
