TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize