dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i was born a porn star she said
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
